I wrote this 1 month before meeting my fiance.

I am still searching. Not because I want to or like the process. I have endured failure countless times and pain beyond description. I have prayed for release from this life and longed for the void of nothingness in my search. You elude me still but I endure. Bent, afraid, scarred, jaded, betrayed, resentful, I may be, but I will not relent. My soul compels me to sojourn on regardless of any objections rational thoughts produce. I am a slave to my search and embrace this need even still. I do not believe it is fated for me to find you. Fuck fate or destiny, those are not things the universe has deigned to consider me worthy of. I will continue on through this life and a thousand more, never knowing if I will find you. Will I even know you if I do? Will I be worthy? Have I squandered the only opportunities I will ever have to seek you out? Found you and was too stupid to recognize what you are? Do you even fucking exist?! Deep down I know my fears are justified and yet I will not give up. I will rail against this reality. I will destroy any obstacle. I will overcome every enemy, especially myself. Such is the power you have over me. I stand defiant yet my surrender could not be more complete. With every fiber of my being I want nothing more than to be rid of you but instead I will bow down and worship at your feet, enthralled by the concept of your existence.